


Dirty Dana

by ScullyGolightly



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Cunnilingus, F/M, Mulder has a very big dick, Season/Series 03, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:20:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24652984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScullyGolightly/pseuds/ScullyGolightly
Summary: For Jameelia for the 2020 Smut Exchange
Relationships: Fox Mulder & Dana Scully, Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 19
Kudos: 126
Collections: X-Files Smut Fanfic Exchange (2020)





	Dirty Dana

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JMoonrise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JMoonrise/gifts).



“Any plans for the weekend, Scully?”

She shrugged on her coat and then looked at him to see if he was asking because he had plans to ruin her plans or if it was just a friendly inquiry. She decided that it was the latter. “I do, actually. A friend from college is having her bachelorette party tonight.”

“Oh, so you have wild plans then,” Mulder said, his eyebrows going up excitedly. 

She huffed out a laugh and shook her head. “Not likely. I’m sure it will just be a coupla bottles of wine and a nice dinner between friends.”

“Well, have fun. I’ll see you Monday.”

“Have a good weekend, Mulder.”

***

She tried to focus her eyes but her vision remained fuzzy. She tried to focus her hearing but only the heavy, frenetic bass sounded in her ears. Her hair was in her face so she pushed it back, her fingers coming in contact with a headband. She took it off and looked at it—she did not remember putting on this furry pink tiara with flashing penises all over it. 

Scully’s drunkenness had hit her with full force all at once. Too many glasses of wine at the restaurant and then being talked into doing shots when they got to the club and now ...whatever this was in her hand. She took a sip from the thin black straw. Gin and tonic. 

“Get those dicks back on your head!” Scully’s friend, Audrey, yelled over the music as she put her arm around Scully and then her full weight, leaning into her. Audrey, sweet little Audrey. The quiet one of their group. The gentle mother of two. The unassuming high school science teacher was three Long Island iced teas in, slurring her words at a high volume, wearing a necklace of miniature rubber dildos and teetering on a pair of stiletto heels she wasn’t used to wearing.

Scully put her phallic crown back on and Audrey adjusted it for her. “Cock those cocks just right,” said Scully, who found her words came out slurred as well.

Audrey burst out laughing. “I got ‘em standing straight up, honey.”

Scully joined Audrey in her laughter. “As they should be.”

They were now leaning into each other, holding onto the other for support, and their laughter had reached the point where it was silent, punctuated with little gasps for air and the odd squeaky giggle. 

“Dana, Dana, Dana, DANA!” Shauna, the bride-to-be, stumbled up to them. “Dana, girlfriend, hot dude checking you out, nine o’clock.”

Scully looked at her wristwatch. “It’s 10:30, Shaun.”

Audrey cackled beside her; Shauna spun her and pointed at a very hunky gentleman at the end of the bar. Scully put her arm out like it was the hand of a clock. “Okay, he is at three o’clock, not nine,” Scully noted, causing Audrey to prolong her stream of giggles. Scully hopped up on the barstool, uninterested in the well-built stranger.

“Oh my god, who cares?! Look at him!” Shauna roared. Scully shrugged.

“What’s that?” asked Shauna, mockingly mimicking Scully’s shrug. 

“It’s a ‘meh,’” she answered, shrugging again.

“He doesn’t look anything like her foxy partner, is what it is,” said Audrey, chiming in.

Scully blew air past her lips and rolled her eyes, but she could feel the deep blush rush to her cheeks that had nothing to do with the alcohol. “Pfft. What? I-- I don’t even know...I don’t know what you are talking about.” She wiggled her finger at Audrey and lightly bopped her on the nose. 

Shauna shimmied in closer. “You got the hots for your partner?” she said, eagerly. “C’mon, spill it, Dane. Is he gorgeous? Hotter than that guy?” She pointed, quite blatantly, at the guy at the end of the bar who had, indeed, been checking Scully out this whole time.

“So much hotter,” gushed Scully, and in her boozy mind, she realized she had crossed over that line of intoxication where she became boldly candid. “His ass, my god, it is…” She put her hands up in front of her like she was trying to sculpt Mulder’s fine backside in the air for them to see. “Perfection.” Scully bit her lip as she pictured it in her mind. 

She had her friends’ complete attention and she started spouting off all of Mulder’s other “hot” qualities. “He eats sunflower seeds, like, they’re in the shell and he works ‘em out with his tongue. You guys, he has to be so good at eating pussy.” Audrey and Shauna whooped loudly. “Sometimes I just imagine it’s my clit and then I’m sitting there in the office with my panties fuckin’ drenched.”

“Yesss, there she is!” exclaimed Audrey. “There’s our Dirty Dana!”

Shauna joined in, cupping her hand to her mouth, “Ladies and gentlemen, Dirty Dana is in the hoooooooouse!”

Scully covered her face with her hands, embarrassed but laughing.

“Alright, but what about his, you know…” Shauna wanted more of the dirty deets from Dirty Dana. She took the dildo she had in the holster she was wearing and held it up. 

Scully looked at the life-like phallus and shook her head. “Bigger.”

The girls squealed with excited laughter. “You’ve seen it?!” asked Audrey.

Scully nodded, cockily. “He was flaccid, you know, it was, like, a medical situation, but he was bigger than that thing. I mean, it’s huge. Huge. I can’t even...I can’t even imagine how big it is when he’s fully erect.” Her eyes unfocused as she tried, really hard, to imagine just how it would look, engorged and rigid, hot and pulsing, ready to fuck her into oblivion.

She forgot how horny she could get when she was drunk, and she had completely forgotten about Dirty Dana—she had a rep amongst her group of college friends of getting super raunchy when she was trashed.

“What are you waiting for, girl? You need to find out!” 

Scully shook her head in response to them and to clear these thoughts from her brain, but it was so thick with booze that the imagined vision of Mulder’s big, rock-hard cock wasn’t going anywhere.

“I don’t know, I can’t...it wouldn’t work. It’s not professional,” she said, clearly disappointed with her reasoning.

“Screw that!” balked Shauna. “You need at least one ride on that massive dick.”

“She wouldn’t stop at one ride,” teased Audrey.

Scully’s imagination, already in overdrive from fantasizing about how well her partner was hung, immediately had the vivid image of her in Mulder’s lap, riding him with wild abandon. “Is it sweaty in here?” she asked the others, meaning to ask if they were also hot. Peals of giggles erupted from her friends. Scully realized her slip-up, “I mean, is it _wet_ in here?” which just garnered more giggling. 

Fanning her hands under her armpits, Scully—now a bit discouraged as reality worked its way into her mind disrupting her steamy fantasy—made an attempt to shut down this convo. “And besides, I’m not his type. He likes, like, busty babes.” She gestured with her hands in front of her chest. “Busty babes named Bambi,” she scoffed with a grimace. “Tall and feminine and...sexual,” added Scully, dejectedly.

“Okay, whatever, you are so sexual, Dana. Your nickname in college was Dirty Dana, for crying out loud!”

Audrey nodded in agreement. “You are such a babe! I bet he’s totally into you, too.”

Gloria, another from their group, rounded them up. “We’re moving on, ladies! Onward and upward,” she declared, taking the dildo from Shauna and holding it up in the air like it was a band leader’s baton. “Hunk-O-Mania, here we come!” 

***

Mulder unlocked the door to his apartment and entered without turning on the lights. He had managed to stay at the Gunmen’s pretty late, keeping his lonely feelings at bay, but they came rushing back as he looked around his dark apartment. 

When he had asked Scully what she was doing for the weekend, he had planned on asking her to dinner if she had nothing going on. Of course she had plans—just when he finally was working up the courage to push past their partnership and friendship into something more. Dejected, he had called up Frohike and asked if he could hang out at their place in order to divert his attention away from the object of his pining. 

Mulder checked his machine, but there was no flashing red light—no messages, not from Scully, not even from a clandestine informant who could help distract him with some conspiracy. He went into the kitchen and took a carton of orange juice out and drank straight from the container, then he walked back into the living room with the juice and flopped onto the sofa with a sigh. 

He thought about Scully in between sips. He had been noticing some jealous behavior on her part lately. First with Dr. Berenbaum when he went on his solo cockroach adventure a couple of weeks ago and then when they were on the case in Comity with Detective White. The former had been another weekend of Scully’s that he had hijacked with his shenanigans. She had probably hoped that he didn’t pick up on the fact that she didn’t drive out to meet him until she had heard about Bambi. Not only had he noticed that, but he was flattered, and it spurred on his own escalating crush on his platonic work partner. 

After that, they were investigating the death of a teenage boy that had satanic ritualistic undertones. His theories had gone bust when the alignment of the planets and two bewitched birthday girls turned everything into astrological chaos. Had it not been for Scully’s obvious jealousy over Dr. Bambi, he would’ve chalked up her disdain for Det. White as a byproduct of the cosmos going all screwy. 

She had walked in on Angela straddling him on the bed of his hotel room. He may have been disoriented from the detective’s unwanted advances and drunk from his makeshift screwdriver cocktail, but he had seen Scully’s face, and her expression of shock mixed with undeniable disappointment had been burned into his brain. Mulder had tried, feebly and in vain, to convince her it wasn’t what it looked like. He knew exactly what it looked like and he desperately needed her to know that he didn’t initiate it, that he didn’t want anything sexual or romantic with Angela. It was true that he had been overly flirty with the detective and overly irritating (more than usual) to Scully, but it wasn’t his fault. Blame it on the universe and its tricky hijinks.

Mulder set down the now empty carton on the table next to his cell phone. He picked up the phone and flipped it open. The screen told him he had one new voicemail message. Before listening to it, he did a double-take at the length of the message. It was over three minutes long. 

And it was from Scully.

The message began with indistinct noise, music and people talking. She must’ve butt-dialed him. He pressed the phone hard to his ear to see if he might hear anything juicy. A woman’s voice said something about a “foxy partner” and he perked up, trying to focus his hearing and drown out the ambient club noise. 

Then there was Scully’s voice. She sounded more than tipsy as she seemed to deflect the woman’s statement. The music changed in his favor—the rest of the conversation was clear as a bell. Scully was talking about his ass and his cock and her clit! Dirty Dana indeed. Mulder wondered if somehow the craziness of the cosmos had followed them home or had a lasting effect on their psyches. He could not believe what he was hearing. 

His dick heard it and believed it, though. Message received. He was getting harder and bigger with every word out of Scully’s mouth. His eyes got huge when she called him huge and he undid his jeans, freeing said huge cock from his boxers. He hissed at how sensitive he was as he stroked himself. His heart was beating rapidly, sending a good amount of blood down to his crotch, but it sank a little when he heard how Scully felt less than compared to other women, that she thought he had a type. He didn’t think he did. 

Actually, he was sure he didn’t because he was hopelessly in love with Dana Katherine Scully and had been, he suspected, from the moment they had met. He didn’t seek out “tall, busty babes” consciously and they obviously weren’t his type when a small, petite red-haired scientist was able to capture his heart so quickly and so completely. Mulder hated that these recent encounters with Bambi and Angela had shaken Scully’s confidence in herself.

The last decipherable part of the message was someone declaring a location change to some place called Hunk-O-Mania. That was followed by half a minute of rustling and garbled conversation before it cut out. He still had his dick in his hand and he was still very hard. Mulder played the message again, rewinding and replaying the bit where Scully likened his sunflower seed habit to him eating her out. He imagined himself doing just that, and soon Mulder was coming and grunting Scully’s name loudly into the dark silence of his living room. 

***

Scully didn’t bother drying off her body after her shower; she put on a terry cloth robe and flopped onto her bed face-first, groaning. It had been quite some time since she had suffered from a proper hangover. It felt like her head was going to explode and she thought that preferable to the stabbing pressure at her temples which was unrelenting.

She made slow, ginger movements to get off the bed when she heard the knock. With her hand over her eyes, she blindly felt her way to the door—the light was unbearable and made the pain ten times worse. Scully opened the door and peeked through her fingers at Mulder who stood at her doorstep with two coffees and a cheerful smile on his face. 

Seeing her in this wan state, he teased her, "Morning, sunshine." Mulder handed her one of the cups of coffee and put his arm around her, leading her to the sofa. “You’re not looking too well.”

“I’m never drinking alcohol again.”

Mulder chuckled then went to the window to draw the blinds, trying to make it darker for her. When he turned around, his insides became all warm and gooey at the sight of her. She looked tiny in her big, fluffy robe, and soft, and cuddly, her hands delicately cradling the paper cup; her face was pale save for her cheeks which were flushed and rosy, her hair damp and sexy. And she smelled good—lately she had been using this lavender body wash that complemented her natural Scully scent so well. Dirty Dana was fresh and clean and terribly hungover. All he wanted to do was make her feel better and then make her feel good—orgasmically good. He just wasn’t sure how to bring it up. 

“Have a good time last night?”

Scully nodded. “Too good of a time.”

Mulder sat down beside her. “Things get a little crazy?” pressed Mulder. “Get a little ...dirty?”

Scully’s eyes went wide and Mulder turned to her with a cheeky grin. “Dana.”

Her mouth dropped open. “Wha-- ?” She watched as Mulder took his phone out of his pocket. “You ever heard of the term ‘butt dial?’” he asked, and Scully put her hands over her face. “You might want to listen to this.” He handed her the phone. She could not meet his eyes but took the phone and held it up to her ear, wincing.

After listening to the entire humiliating message, she handed it back to him. “I am. Mortified.”

She still wouldn’t look at him. He was turned, facing her now, partly enjoying watching her squirm, but also wanting to let her off the hook quickly. “Well, I am. Flattered.”

“I was so wasted,” she groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“Don’t do that. Please,” said Mulder. “Don’t make excuses.”

“I’m not--” She whipped her head to look at him.

He had a soft smile playing on his lips. “I want it to be real.” She looked at him questioningly. “I’m not into ‘busty babes.’ I mean I like boobs as much as the next guy or gal, but ...all sizes. Your ...size,” he said, awkwardly gesturing to her chest. His cheeks colored pink. 

Scully bit back a laugh. “You heard me talk about your huge dick, I think you can safely reference my tits at this point.”

Mulder took her coffee cup and set it down on the table then put his hand on her knee sliding it slowly towards the slit of her robe. “I want to get to know Dirty Dana. Will you show her to me?”  
  


The moment his lips met hers, the pounding in her head faded, replaced by the thudding of her heart. It no longer felt like there were bricks tumbling around inside her skull—she was lightheaded. His hand parted the robe and he cupped her naked breast ever so lightly, her nipple coming into a tight nub under his palm. She arched her back and sighed a sweet-sounding sigh. 

The kiss was slow, oozing with passion, soft grunts and moans. “I ...am ...so wet...for you.” 

“Already?” Mulder said in a low voice, smirking.

“Yesss,” she whispered. 

He pushed himself up to hover over her, kissing a trail under her chin and down her neck, spreading the flaps of her robe open fully. He lowered to his knees on the floor between her legs and looked at her nude form. “Fuck, you are so beautiful, Scully.” She blushed, and her breath hitched as he pressed her thighs apart further. “No one has ever told me if I was good at eating pussy so I don’t know if I am. Will you tell me?”

Scully managed to nod and then watched as his mouth covered her sex. “Holy ssshh--” 

He lazily licked her swollen folds, up and down, the entire length of her slit. Scully rocked her hips along with him. Her head was swimming with pleasure and she whimpered. With the pads of his thumbs, he massaged and spread her lips open, plunging his tongue deep inside her. He thrust in and out with excruciating slowness, causing her climax to build and mount with intensity. When he finally pulled out and moved up to suck on her clit, Scully came hard, taking them both by surprise with the immediacy of it.

“I knew it,” she sighed blissfully to herself. 

“Hm?” 

Her face had the dreamiest expression. “I was right.” 

She was still trembling when he stood up and placed a wet kiss on her lips. Scully licked, tasted her own arousal, and watched Mulder undress in front of her. Her wildest fantasies were coming true. She was about to see just how big that cock of his was, fully erect. 

Mulder could see her anticipation so he dragged out the unveiling, letting her salivate over just the sight of the stiff bulge inside his snug white boxer briefs. He cupped his hand over it and squeezed, and Scully gasped with a sharp hiss. Then he slid his underwear down, his giant cock springing up free from the elastic band. Scully bit down on her lip and growled. Mulder stepped out of his boxers and sat down next to Scully on the couch, stroking his shaft. “You think your tight little pussy can take all of this?”

Scully looked at him agog through a fog of arousal. “You’re not the only one who can talk dirty,” he stated cutely. Her eyes flashed brightly at his harmless teasing and she sat astride his thighs. 

“Shoot. I don’t have protection,” said Scully with a despairing pout.

“Oh yeah,” Mulder remembered, having got caught up in the moment with her. “I have condoms. In my pants pocket.”

Mulder held her hips as she leaned down to get them. She ripped open the package of a Magnum XXL condom with her teeth, eliciting a big grin from Mulder. A purring sound emanated from his throat as she rolled the prophylactic over him. Scully pushed two fingers into his mouth and he sucked, coating them with his saliva, which she then used to lubricate his tip, positioning him at her entrance. 

Scully lowered, slowly, letting herself adjust to his massive size. He was stretching her and it felt so good. He was about halfway inside and her eyes rolled back—she didn’t think she could take any more of him in, but he helped, guiding her hips up a bit and then back down more. She was getting wetter by the second and accommodating his thick length until all nine inches were sheathed inside her pussy. 

Mulder’s hands tenderly gripped her waist with a light touch much like the gentle gesture he so often did when guiding her through doors and hallways with his hand on the small of her back. It always felt protective and respectful, a silent way of telling her he was near and wanted to be close to her. Warmth flooded her chest and her heart felt as full as her cunt did. This man was in love with her. The full realization hit her with a stunning force. “I love you, too,” Scully said, looking straight into his eyes. 

Mulder smiled. He didn’t wonder why she had said “too.” He knew she had gotten his message. And now he knew that she loved him in return, that she wasn’t just lusting after his big dick. With their declarations of love, verbal or otherwise, out of the way, they started to move. With Mulder’s assistance, Scully began riding that huge cock just as she had imagined doing for so long before. Her imagination had never come close to realizing that this intense amount of pleasure was possible. Mulder pulled her in close, latching onto her neck and sucking at her soft flesh. 

“Oh god, oh GOD!” she exclaimed amongst the slapping sound of skin on skin. “Scully, you feel so good,” he said in between grunts and nibbles on her collarbone. 

On the next bounce, he brought her down hard while thrusting his hips up, hitting deep inside her, and they both cried out. “OH YES, right there!” shrieked Scully. Mulder repeated the action. “You like that?” 

“YES! Give it to me. Fuck me with that huge dick!”

“Fuck, I love hearing you talk like that,” Mulder said, still in awe that he not only got to hear from Dirty Dana but that he got to make love to her as well.

“You’re gonna make me come,” she whined. “Oh GOD, MULDER, YESSS!”

Her pussy tightened around him with such force that he was coming before the information even reached his brain. He had never felt anything so gloriously euphoric in his entire life. They held each other, hugged tightly together, as they rode the long wave of pleasure, both shuddering from the intense feelings. 

Mulder laid down, bringing her to lie on top of him, the heavy softening length of him still inside her. They luxuriated in each other’s sated presence, basking in the warmth of one another. Scully thought she could easily fall asleep like this in his arms. Her phone rang, cutting short that notion. She made no move to answer it, and Mulder didn’t acknowledge the disturbance either, continuing to draw soft circles on her back with his fingertips. 

The answering machine clicked on loudly, followed by Audrey’s sunny voice informing Scully that they would be by in twenty minutes to pick her up. Mulder shifted to look at her with his brow furrowed. Scully groaned amusedly. “I forgot,” she said. “Bloody Mary hangover brunch.”

She turned to look at him. “I’m not hungover anymore, though. I’m drunk again.” 

A grin spread across his lips. “I seem to be, too, somehow.”

***

Brunch was a smaller group from the night before, just friends from Scully’s college days. At a lull in the conversation, Scully cleared her throat. “So, uh, I apparently butt-dialed Mulder last night when we were at the club.”

“Oh. My. God,” said Shauna. “What did he hear?”

“Everything,” Scully said, chuckling. “Everything I said about him and his huge cock.” Shauna tittered and Audrey covered her open mouth in horror. 

“What did you do?” she asked. 

“I introduced him to Dirty Dana, of course,” Scully said with a smirk. She tugged down the collar of her blouse to reveal two deep red-purplish hickies. Cheers broke out around the table. Scully smiled to herself, the marks like badges of honor, badges that marked something a long time in the making coming to fulfillment, badges of lust ...and love.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t written or read fanfiction since I’ve been in lockdown so sorry if this story is terrible. I honestly can’t tell if it is or not.  
> I also have no idea if penis-themed party supplies were available in the mid-90s. That was the first time my google searching really failed me.  
> And Hunk-O-Mania wasn’t founded until 1998 so apologies for this inconsistency.


End file.
